[71] The other side of vulnerability

You can tell me again that it's just in my mind but now I really didn't have any negative projections towards the future.
Anyway everything fell apart in a moment and I'm just empty.

I do believe in a power of vulnerability, if there is any frank truth in the world - this is it. But every time I open to people - even the closest ones - I forgot that it might hurt me in the end.
It is naive, frank, desperate... and vulnerable.
I thought I'm ready to get hurt for my beliefs, I thought that I'm ready to unacceptance. I wasn't afraid of it. Not anymore. And that is why I wasn't expecting that it will hurt. I'm mean hurt that much.
It's absolutely different from anything I felt in my life. Almost physically I felt like something died inside. That is the pain when you can't even cry even if you have an urgent need to do it, to unleash the hidden emotions, to get rid of them in order to go through this once and for all. But I just couldn't. I was able just to feel empty, desperate, vulnerable and alone. And I still do.

And I'm scared. Because I wasn't just a fight or argument. It's an idealogical disagreement. It's not something you can live with and simply get over. And that is why I'm so scared and confused... Two days ago everything was perfect. Amazing relationships, gentleness, love. And I got relaxed and happy...
And everything fell apart.

Oh, God! Please, give me strengths!

[70] The weakness of vulnerability

Aaaaand this moment came...
I went to bathroom to wash my face and started to talk to my reflection in English. In a second I was like "whaaaat?"
That's too weird and stupid. But the point is that it is something I need like hell now. I mean talking in not native language. My life is more of fighting them enjoying recent two months and that made me too vulnerable in front of the world.
People who know me will say that Im the person who prefers Russian from all languages in the world. But even I sometimes have situation when it's extremely hard to pronounce some certain things. Because I simply don't want to confess them even to myself. Some of them I haven't even understood yet.
I mean I feel like I need to find out something about myself that will lead to emotional release and hopefully changing the mindset. However, usually I need to talk to someone about it and also a gentle push. And also it's very important for me tif i know that closest people and by my side in these changes, that they believe in me.
And that's what I'm lacking right now. Actually it's not the most important thing. The main one is me. And my sick outlook towards life. My life. Which is completely good. It's amazing. I have everything I have ever dreamt about. But instead of being happy I'm depressed and disappointed all the time. So it's time to realize what is wrong with either me or my life.

While my friends like my recent instagram pic with a bottle of wine which I'm now drinking alone, let't try to think about all mess in my head.
And yes, sorry for mistakes if I made any :D

Two aspects that I highlighted from all the crap I imagined are:
1. Suddenly I stopped valuing what I have and started to complain. And even rational thinking and conclusion that I don't have anything to be upset about didn't help to get rid of this perception.
2. I'm too addicted to one person and that make me to narrow minded and of course upsets in cases this person doesn't have time for me. More upset that I'm ready to admit.

Let's now change a topic a bit. Last year everyone was obsessed about the Power of vulnerability. And now I can share that you can have this vulnerability and it might bring you power if you have someone to support you in a journey of sharing the most hidden and important things about yourself. Othervise this unspoken disharmony makes you weak and defenceless. 

And now I'm going to say you something that maybe will destroy your world and change the way you look and understand women. Sorry. 
Anyway, if a woman has an ideal life in common perception of it, if she has everything fine but only one small thing that doesn't go like she expected. Just one little part of her life seems wrong to her - then EVERYTHING IS WRONG, disappointing and so so so sad.

So obviously I can't define myself this small fucking thing that make my good life a total disaster. 

Thank you for attention.

[69] One more rare post

I was always wondering why do I have a blog if I post here once in half a year :)

But sometimes I really need to talk to somebody but there is noone around. 
Happily I didn't have such a situation for a long time. Unfortunately now it appeared. 

I'm scared. I'm freaking out. I want to find 'home' and be safe and sound there. I'm back in a home city but I have no feeling like I belong somewhere. Anywhere. I don't feel I'm needed, I don't feel anything. 
And it scares me because usually I have so many things and emotions about every single meaningless moment. 
Now I'm always worried and anxious and nervous about everithing. 
I want to understand what I feel and think and I need to talk about it. 

I need to belong somewhere.

[68]

It is not important whether you are right ot wrong if you are hurting because of the situation.

It makes you empty and cold.

That cold and sober determination includes only hopelessnes in the end. And pushes to meaningless philosophical self-discussions.

It absorbs all love and enjoyment from the heart.

I want to draw but have no images in the head. No even thought about somethong beautiful. It's like no creativity left.

I don't know why I am writing here only sad things. It helps me to overcome them.
And the sad statistics shows that as soon as tell smb smth good about my life it becomes ruined in the same moment. So I am still scary to share things with people. 

[67] white-and-black coma

Перманентное коматозное состояние. Как будто половина жизни исчезла. Цветная половина.

--

Permanent comatose condition. Like half of my life suddenly disappeared. Colorful half.

[66] luv

Любят всегда вопреки 

[65] Moscow Zoo

That was a fantastic day. A bit strange in the beginning but really happy in the end. We spent the whole day together right after my arrival to Moscow from Ufa. 

We've been to the Zoo which was vey big. Animals are so cute :)

After we were just walking around the streets, cafés, entering the bookshop. Then we turned to small unknown streets and started to explore new places. 

Then we set in the grass abs started to talk about personal things, reasons behind actions and aspirations. We talked and talked and couldn't finish the conversation. 

Nevertheless that was the hard talk. We are so different in perception of things. I totally understand his point of view and I agree in most cases. Really. But I often miss the practical part in that. 

And I know why it makes me that much upset. It's because I want the same: I want to have time to stop and think about the reason of things, about one truth and destination. And deep inside I am even jealous to people who are able to read others and decide for them.